Suspicions are early in the morning and they are inducing not the very nostalgia to which I am accustomed but a mild anxiety—a fear of enticing anticipation.

The vibrancy of accomplishment, though, remains an oracle—full of promises of sensibility, confidence, discernment and rational thought. Being caressed by this sentiment deflates any of the ridiculous externalizations I have created in the past.

It can be easy to jump to assignment of self-inflicted senses of inadequacy or shame when these stimuli present themselves and I react with mild curiousity and attraction. I pause—for more than just a moment—and wonder how I am to react, in an effort to dismantle my assembling of a negative sense of self.

Through this reflection it appears that in my shame exists a fresh acknowledgement of my history of behaviors where I disregarded any consequence—truly and blatantly discounting the impact my choice had on the well-being of myself and others. This monstrosity which I so willingly welcomed was an abandoning of my intended nature.

Thus it is my conclusion that I grieve the loss of character, trust and respect when I was the person of whom I am ashamed and embarrassed to have been. It may not be those alluring ideas that subtly present themselves to me to which I assign shame, but the experince of disembodiment that occurs itself.

This event is a transition in state that seems to be automatic because I appear to have no control over its occurrence. The absence of control is a catalyst to the precursor of the grief of the losses I described earlier. My point of frustration is attempting to explain my apparent handicap of being enraptured by the lusts to which I once so easily succumbed.

Being a fan of science I may dismiss this invasion of rational thought as the natural reparations of brain chemistry—an erasing of the believed immunity I once had towards the consequences of my behaviors along with half of a lifetime of participation. Although I despise blind inclusion of my experience into accepted common theory or categorization the fact remains that there are—and always will be—entities and or events over which we have little or no control, one of those being our subconscious.

Ian D. Campbell